Obsessed

I have been obsessing lately. Obsessing over my body, over my appearance and over my outward appeal. Obsessing to the point where today when showering I just decided to say “fuck ’em all.” I am who I am, this is what I look like and I am honest in my presentation of myself. I have never lied about what I look like or the type of person I am and the older I get, the more upfront I’ve become. My Tinder profile even gives a warning that if strong, “fire” independent women intimidate you, swiping left would be your best bet. And yet…

Guys still seem to think that I’m joking. I’ve had two guys waste my time in the past few months. One of them was so appealing but I kept thinking that he was too nice. What I realized about a week ago was that it wasn’t his niceness that was bugging me, it was his immaturity and indecision. I don’t like playing games [when I feel like the games are going to lead us into a black hole of nothingness]. I like when people are upfront with me. I like when people can withstand the storm and force of nature that I am. I like people who are not weak and who are not easily discouraged. I expect a high level of communication within relationships, especially when I am being honest and upfront.

The second guy who falls into the category of #WasteHerTime2016 seemed to be able to handle me. But in the words of many a woman, talk is literally the cheapest form of affection/attention that men can give. Talk means nothing. Let me reiterate that for people who may still be confused. Talk without action means absolutely, literally nothing. Nada. Niente. Zip. Zilch. What even? No matter how many times you call me on the phone, no matter how many snapchats and text messages you send me, if you cannot commit to actually hanging out and interacting like a normal human being, then you are out. You have officially wasted my time and it’s time for me to cut the cord.

These odd interactions with boys (because let’s face it, this is the type of behavior that men do not engage in) has brought me to a level of obsession. Particularly with the second one. I was at the gym yesterday and saw him for the third time in a week – I had never seen him in my daily activities before, we just spoke on the phone and snap chatted almost daily – and I flipped the fuck out. I was scared. Scared for him to see me because I had just endured a long and somewhat grueling workout and I didn’t look my best. I thought my thighs looked fat and cottage-cheese like and I felt gross. My friend told me that she was convinced I had body dysmorphic disorder.

“What the fuck are you talking about? You look so muscular and literally nothing jiggles. Where do you feel
something is jiggling?” [I point to my thighs which are sticking out of short shorts and proceed to grab the inner thigh fat] “Here. Literally this whole section of my legs.” She sighs and states again that I have body dysmorphic disorder and I’m acting ridiculous but volunteers to grab our things so that I don’t have to walk by said person. I ended up running by the window anyway because she couldn’t figure out what locker we used.

This morning in the shower I realized the absurdity of it all. Why am I hiding from someone who knows what I look like? Why am I hiding from someone who hasn’t even proved their worth to me? Why am I ashamed of what I look like when I haven’t lied about it at all? What is going on? Where is my confidence and my faith in myself? Where is my self-respect? I contemplated all of these things and realized once again that my self-worth is determined by myself.

My friend shared a great quote from Anna Kendrick with me yesterday. She stated, “Something amazing happened to me when I hit my mid-20’s. I stopped liking guys who didn’t like me back. In fact, I stopped liking guys who were bad people.” Okay, so I put the emphasis on “bad people” but only because that’s the part that my friend emphasized and that’s the part that I need to emphasize for myself and for anyone else reading this. Bad people are people who waste your time (not just lead you on, these are separate things in my opinion) and they’re people who make you question how beautiful and valuable you are. They’re also people who make you feel like the whole of your worth lies within how jiggly (or not jiggly) your thighs are.

Self love, respect and worth are things that only we can give ourselves. No one can make you believe that you are valuable except yourself. They can tell you how gorgeous and intelligent and worth it you are but if you don’t believe it then their words will fall flat. That being said, having friends who tell you all of these things and mean them is a necessity in life, in my opinion. They are the keepers. They are the ones that will truly hold you down. It’s nice to see yourself the way the world and those close to you see you. I believe that’s key for self-confidence.

This morning I realized that I need to stop obsessing over how people who don’t matter and who probably will not ever matter to me see me. I need to continue living my bright, beautiful, confident life. I need to stop accepting “bad people” into my karmic circle and I need to remember to cut people lose as soon as I realize they’re wasting my time. The only thing I should be obsessing over right now is my school work, my wonderful friends and mother and how amazing I am.

xx Morgan

Sex Symbol

I am not the girl he wants. I am not the girl who gets the guy. This is a narrative that I have told myself over and over again until one day I decided that I was “over it.”

“I’m over it.”

It’s my defense mechanism. My way of saying that I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am over feeling as though my life is a race to the altar. I’m over feeling as though the sole reason I exist is to be some sort of sex symbol for the male race. That is not why I am here. I am much more than my curves and my witticisms and my sexy smirks and sidelong glances. I am more than coy. I am more than what my body can do for you.

It’s a trap that society has taught us as women. “I don’t want to be a sex symbol because a sex symbol is a thing. I don’t want to be a thing,” quoted Marilyn Monroe. I used to think that it was sexy to be a sex symbol and now I am reaffirming that I was wrong. The pressure is too great and not worth it in the least bit.

Sure I want to be one of the great beauties of the world. Yes, I workout in some small part because I want to slay every time I step out the door. I want to turn heads at the coffee shop, the gym and the bar. I want the man I’m with to literally thank God that I picked him. So sue me. But I do not want to be confined to that category. I don’t want to have this contractual agreement to be the Cool Girl. The Cool Girl does not exist. She is a myth and she does not exist. I’m fucking around with guys who think that she’s real. Who don’t see me for who I fully am. Who take for granted what’s sitting right in front of them. And so I’m over it.

I’m over caring and trying and primping and posing. I’m over giving into the facade of the Cool Girl because I know that she’s not real and I know that she’s all they will ever see if I continue to keep up this charade. But also, I’m over it so that means that the facade may stay in place.

I can’t continue to care in the same way that I do; I don’t have the capacity to keep this up. It is tiring and it is worthless. And so I shall continue working on parts of myself for me and I shall continue building up the facade of the sex symbol so that I can retreat behind it’s cold doors until I feel as though I no longer need to be over it. I will work my butt off in hiding and solitude until I feel as though I’ve met someone worthy enough to break the wall. Only then will the Cool Girl really disappear.

xxMorgan

FitBits, Lifting and Yoga…Oh My!

Part I: FitBit Betch

I have succumbed to the FitBit craze. I’ve held off ever since they came out and I wanted one and I’ve done my research to find the best fitness tracker for my lifestyle. It comes in the form of the FitBit Charge HR (FBCHR). Despite the fact that I freaked out momentarily when I realized that the FitBit Alta comes out this month (and looks SUPER cute!), I am happy with my FitBit choice. I love the FBCHR and I’ve never paid attention to my heart rate before getting my FBCHR. Now I check it constantly to see how my heart rate is doing and to see what makes it rise. Mostly stress or an increase in exertion. Sometimes I’m not even sure what it is, but I’ve discovered that with a heart rate of 63 on average, I’m doing pretty damn well fitness-wise. That’s an excellent HR for women! And this weekend I caught it between 58-61. I realize that I’m bragging about how low my heart rate is and how weird that is so I’m going to stop.

In addition to that super cool feature (something the Alta lacks BTW), I’m also in love with the step tracker and caloric burn count feature. Our bodies are constantly burning calories and it’s nice to see that in front of my face. I know that everyone knows that but I feel like the FitBit gives a more accurate picture that’s a lot more accessible. Plus the step counter is kind of like a game! For all of you who are telling me that my iPhone counts steps, thank you for that knowledge – I already know it- but my phone doesn’t go everywhere that I do alright? I’m trying to ween myself off of it a little.

My FitBit also tracks sleep and I may be one of the few people that actually uses that super cool function. I’m not bothered by wearing my FBCHR to bed but I also take it off and charge it, as well as give my wrist a break, when I wake up. I know the FBCHR has a 5-day life span (supposedly) but I’m like, I’d rather charge it during times when I either can’t wear it (like when I’m in the shower) or when I’m watching a movie or something and don’t need to have it on to measure anything. It’s good to let your wrist breathe sometimes.

I’m still debating whether I’m going to try and wear it to boxing tonight but I feel like it may be a little difficult to wrap my hands and wear my glove with it on. I guess we’ll find out.

Part II: Lifting – Do it!

So I’ve been lifting for about two months now with a friend and we’re doing really well. We’ve stayed on track using the StrongLifts app and I love it! She’s there when I don’t want to workout because I’m tired AF but know I should and I’m there when she doesn’t feel like it but needs it. We keep each other balanced and on point and it’s one of the few workout routines that I appreciate doing with another person. I’m excited to continue to see our progress and sometimes I feel like I can see it in my legs.

For those of you who feel like lifting is intimidating or isn’t your thing – particularly you women out there- I’m here to tell you to take a chance! Lifting is fun and gives you great endorphins. It makes you feel like you’re invincible and you see the progress in the fact that you’re challenging yourself to lift more every time. I highly recommend StrongLifts as a starting point. The app is free and it tracks pretty well. I also suggest you take a friend so that way you can both laugh off any awkwardness together.

Assert yourself at the gym when you’re waiting for the squat rack and don’t let anyone make you feel uncomfortable. You belong in the weight room just as much as anyone else does. And don’t be afraid or embarrassed to check the videos multiple times to make sure that you’re doing everything right! You’re doing this for you and it’s not going to do you any good if you don’t have proper form. Why waste your time? I promise you that even if you lift and realize it’s not your thing, you’ll feel amazing for even pushing yourself into it.

Part III: Yogastic

Yes, I just made up that word and no you cannot copyright it. This summer I wrote a blog post about how amazing yoga made me feel and when I moved back to Santa Barbara my practice fell to the wayside. Well, I’ve decided to get it back. I am challenging myself to go all in and complete the YogaCamp series on Yoga with Adriene (YWA). I miss that girl and her calming voice and body-bending poses and I’m ready to dive on in again. I think that often times I feel lazy or like I can’t start up again but that is 100% wrong. I can start up again and I will today! I’ve challenged/enlisted a friend who I know will stay consistent to do the challenge with me and I’m so excited for our results.

Yoga gave me so much sanity and clarity this summer and as I remind myself that self-love is a practice and not a destination (something I chant to myself in the shower nowadays), I feel as though yoga will help me with that. Yoga helps me feel whole, beautiful and powerful and I want that back. Plus I still want to be able to take a headstand pic in front of the Hollywood sign (especially since I’ll be living in LA this upcoming year). So the only way to get there is to practice! I’ve recommitted and I wish myself luck.

I’ll keep you updated on all of my workout journeys and everything else that’s going on in my life within these upcoming months. Spoiler Alert: It’s a LOT of change. But I’m confident that I’ll be ready when it comes. Have a wonderful week friends.

xxMorgan

The Mean Reds

It’s about that time of month again. That time where I can’t figure out if I want to punch people in the face, cry all day in bed, gobble a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or all three! In light of this event I’ve decided to take a new approach to the trio.

I have my first boxing lesson tonight (more like an orientation) and I cycled this morning for the first time in two weeks (damn the holidays – jk, but they did mess up my schedule) so I think that by the end of the day I’ll no longer desire inflicting physical harm upon those around me. As for the tears, I think it’s time to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s for the umpteenth time tonight in my pink VS pajamas. Or maybe I’ll just watch it in sweats and an old(er) T-Shirt because I don’t want to possibly ruin them.

I haven’t been craving anything besides the sweet taste of coffee today so there’s that, but I am having shopping withdrawals. Nordstrom and Kate Spade did me in when I visited home. I just want to wrap myself up in a Kate Spade NY shop and fall in love among the pastel colored mini bags…of which I cannot bring myself to spend $200 plus dollars – for what? For me to only be able to fit a small makeup pouch, a wallet and my cellphone? I mean yes darling those are the only things I need but wherever will  stash my sunglasses when the bright light fades into the background? Until I am at a place in my life where I can comfortably stash money and toss it around as frivolously  as Meryl Streep tosses her coat on Anne Hathaway’s desk in The Devil Wears Prada, I will stick to buying functional accessories.

I’m not sure if I’m going to pick up my pint after boxing tonight. I just bought Grand Mariner so I might go for something with a lot less lactate and a lot more alcohol in it. A stiff drink, some Audrey Hepburn and a bed fit for Blair Waldorf are all in my future tonight. Sounds like the best case scenario to combat the Mean Reds. Let me know how you combat the Mean Reds in the comments section.

xxMorgan

 

 

Getting Back on Track

How many of you out there are tracking what you’re eating? It’s a scary process because we can’t eat “perfectly” 24/7 and sometimes it seems like we’re eating well when really we’re not. I started tracking again this summer and it went really well for me. It pushed me to work out more, to be okay with some of my food choices that weren’t spectacular and to face the fact that I’m not perfect. It also gave me a chance to see my progress on a screen before I could see it in a mirror.

It takes three days to fall out of shape and a full week to get back in shape.

When I was at Northwestern this summer I was in a new environment surrounded by people who didn’t know me and food that was “foreign” in the sense that it wasn’t the variety of goodness that I was used to. I was living under strict circumstances: I couldn’t drink, working out was the only way I felt I had control over my life and tracking food and running on a half-marathon plan helped me manage my stress levels. I was in this controlled environment that allowed me to excel.

Being back in Santa Barbara, I’m realizing that I was able to let my tracking slip a lot faster than I expected. Tracking is hard work. It requires total and complete honesty with oneself and definitely relies on self-accountability. If you don’t track then you can’t see exactly what you’re putting into your mouth and therefore you don’t have to be outwardly accountable for the changes going through your body. I thought my hiatus from Lose It! was going to be a week-long affair and yet it’s turned into a month-long affair.

I kept telling myself that I was going to track and then I didn’t, until this weekend when I realized that I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy in this game of fitness. If I sense changes in my body that aren’t for the better, the only one who can change them is myself. And so I’ve started tracking again. I have goals that I could have been a month closer to but to which I’m now a month behind on. I realized that without tracking it’s been harder to motivate myself to go to the gym and to go for a run or even stretch my body out in terms of yoga. I can only get stronger if I keep practicing and the way to practice is to do. 

If I want to look (more) banging in a pair of shorts or a cute new dress, I have to do the work both in and out of the kitchen. If I want bragging rights to a seven-mile run then I need to push through the four and five mile runs. I can’t get there in a day but every day brings me closer to my goals, every day is a step in the journey to total body nirvana.

Tracking may not be right for everyone and in the past it certainly wasn’t right for me, but I’ve developed some awareness this summer and I now know that the way to my goals is through Lose It!, good food, plenty of water, an abundance of yoga, solid weight-lifting, long runs and self-discipline. So it’s time to get back on track because the only way to success is by doing.

xx Morgan

When You Stop Competing Against Yourself

It has been said over and over again that “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I feel as though it’s a phrase that when read makes a lot of sense but when put into practice, becomes obsolete. Every day we wake up, get dressed, look in the mirror (decide whether it’ll do or I look amazing) and then dive into a world full of beautiful people. I don’t know about you all but I live and work in a place where I am constantly surrounded by gorgeous, talented, hard-working individuals and sometimes it’s hard.

Last year was my first year out of undergrad and I remember struggling at times with my appearance. I don’t talk about my faults, failures or struggles often but as I reflect back on this year, where I am now and the current state of the media, I feel the need to voice my opinion. Last year I found myself comparing myself to some of my coworkers… She has so many friends! (Well, so do you!) She looks great in everything she wears! (Well you have great style too!) She’s so skinny. (You have a great body as well! Have you looked in the mirror lately?) She has a boyfriend! (You don’t even want a partner right now).

I feel as though the examples I mentioned are things that we experience every day. There’s this emphasis on the way that people look and with that comes the correlation between how they look and how people perceive them to be. And like an Instagram filter, not everything’s as it seems. Granted there’s always going to be someone prettier than you or “more intelligent” or more well-liked or more talented than you but that’s not what matters. What matters is how you perceive yourself, who you are as a person and how you present yourself to the world. As long as you have confidence in yourself you’ll be fine.

I think that this notion of confidence is something that was bred into me from a young age. My parents always told me that I could be whatever I wanted and my mom has always emphasized my talents and helped me to further cultivate them. When I was growing up she kept telling me that not everyone was going to like me in an effort to help me curb my people-pleasing tendencies. I thank her for that because although it didn’t fully click until my senior year of high school, it definitely helped me to navigate the waters of university as well as the real world.

Today I am well aware that not everyone is going to like me and that doesn’t phase me. What matters most is that I am true to myself and know who I am. People are always going to have something to say about you, either negative or positive, but as long as you are true to yourself and as long as you put who you really are out there, that’s okay. At the end of the day you just have to live your life.

But I digress, confidence is something that we tell everyone to have but something that we are also a bit skeptical of. That’s partially why I love The Mindy Project so much. Mindy has such a strong sense of who she is and her incredible confidence (at times to the point of hilarious denial) rubs off on me when watching. This is why when I’m feeling down at times, I turn to the show. It’s the perfect pick-me up because here is a beautiful woman of color whom societally speaking should have low self-esteem based on her body type but who is absolutely gorgeous inside and out and knows it. She’s not afraid to be who she is, take fashion risks and just live.

Honestly, the shows reminds me of Ugly Betty a little bit in that sense. America Ferrera is stunning and her portrayal of Betty was fantastic. Betty was never actually ugly but in the world of high class fashion, she was far from their standard of beautiful (correction: our standard of beautiful). But the point is, there’s no single image of what is beautiful or right. We all have our own unique traits that make us who we are and beauty is truly only skin deep. When we leave this world we don’t get to take our physical beauty with us.

I’ve learned that the only person I should be comparing myself to is… myself. There was a time where I was thinner than I am now (or so I think) but I wasn’t eating super healthy, I was always counting my calories for weight loss (versus looking at my nutritional values) and I was miserable. Now I’m healthy, strong and realizing that with time comes results. A quick fix means a quick relapse into bad habits but if you take the time to really give your body everything it needs then you’ll be set for life. I’ve learned to appreciate my body not just for how it looks but also for what it does for me. The human body has so many amazing functions that we never really think about because it’s just how we live. You’re literally in this machine that runs on food, water and air and performs according to how you take care of it.

The only time we really stop to appreciate our body’s function is when something goes wrong. When we’re sick, have an infection or we sprain or break something, that’s when we think oh wow, should’ve drank more water – and that’s too bad. We should appreciate our bodies every day.

Someone once told me “You are the only person who gets to look like Morgan” and it stuck with me so much that I have it saved on a sticky note. When I’m feeling down I re-read that and thank God that he made me how I am. I may never have the body type that I see everywhere and that is totally okay. As long as I’m healthy and strong and I can complete my half marathon training, weight lifting sessions and learn to bend into a pretzel, I’m satisfied. Fitness is a journey and it should not be rushed.

We should be competing against ourselves in the healthiest of ways, comparing ourselves to how we used to look and feel months ago, but even yesterday. We are unique beings and the more we wish that we could look different, the unhappier we’ll be. So please start learning how to accept yourself for who you are and how you look now. There’s no time better than the present.

xxMorgan

From Um to Om

I’ve always wanted to be one of those girls who does yoga. You know the ones – they look ethereal and goddess-like in their Crow poses, and when they’re in Warrior 2 you can actually feel the fierce vibes emanating from them even though you’re just staring at a picture on Tumblr.

When I was in high school Girl’s Life Magazine recommended a book titled Um Like Om: The Girl Goddesses Guide to Yoga. I was ecstatic when I found it at Barnes and Nobles a few months later. Finally I had the book that was going to turn me into a young yogi! Finally I was going to deal with my boy problems and homework anxiety through body transforming stretches. This was my time.

When my mom bought me a pink yoga mat and pink yoga ball for Christmas that year I was even more pleased. I pledged to do yoga every day! I would roll out my mat, pull out my book and start chanting my mantras. Everything was falling into place…only, it wasn’t.

Yoga didn’t feel natural to me. The chanting felt forced. Even the more simple but typically effective “I am strong, beautiful and unique” chants felt like they were missing something. I tried different poses and different chants but soon came to the disappointing conclusion that I just didn’t like yoga. In theory it was everything I was looking for but in practice it just wasn’t me. It wasn’t the magic recipe I was looking for to turn me into the “Girl Goddess” that the book promised I’d be.

Fast-forward eight years and here I am practicing yoga three to four times a week. As I sit here typing, I’m asking myself what changed? I’ve been doing yoga for the past three or four weeks and I absolutely love it. The yogic high that was always talked about in the book’s testimonials is no longer a figure of my imagination, it’s something I actually experience. The feeling of wholeness and strength is real. Every time that I hit my imaginary mat (which is really just the carpet here because I refuse to put my only towel on the floor and my yoga mat is back in Santa Barbara) I feel ready to challenge myself. I feel great that I’m one step closer to having my heels completely on the ground for downward dog. I feel ecstatic that I’m lengthening my body and taking time to calm my mind.

I’ve finally found the inner peace in myself that I was searching for as a teenager that has allowed me to practice and actually focus. When I was younger I had these very concrete expectations of what yoga was going to give me but ironically my return to the practice was born out of zero expectations.

I started again when one of my Resident Assistants hosted a yoga program outside this summer. My idea was that I would just go to get a good stretch in before my run later that night but what I ended up finding was infinite calm. I just felt so in tune with my body. It was a marvelous feeling. That night I Youtube’d yoga videos and came across Yoga with Adriene which is literally my favorite Youtube channel right now. I started going through all of her videos, adding them to my “Summer Bod” playlist for easy access later. Needless to say, the practice became more routine as I challenged myself to practice yoga for 30 straight days.

I would like to say that I’ve succeeded in maintaining that challenge but that would be a lie. However, I have earned the “Om” badge on my Lose It! app for doing yoga frequently and I have tried to keep up a three day minimum. And even though I haven’t fulfilled the challenge I’ve forgiven myself for that. Things get in the way and sometimes I’m tired or feeling lazy and that’s okay. Sometimes I really just don’t want to do yoga and that’s fine.

The point is that I’ve started a practice that I can realistically keep up. I’ve restarted something that I enjoy that I always wanted to do only this time it’s actually clicking for me. Yoga has given me clarity and each breath I take truly allows me the chance to accept my body for what it looks like and the functions it holds. It gets me one step closer to total body acceptance. And this time around I know that if I’m having a bad day, a combination of a hard run and some relaxing yoga can turn my mood around. Yoga is essential to my training schedule now for my half-marathon but it’s also essential to my wellbeing.

I’m not quite at that level yet where I can do headstands by the Hollywood sign but I know that one day I’ll be able to Instagram that picture (#nofilter). Regardless, eight years later I finally feel like that fierce femme that the book promised I’d be. It wasn’t something that was born out of my yoga practice though, it was born out of who I am as a person and the years it’s taken me to get here. But yoga has definitely helped me feel more like a “goddess.” Looking back I realize that all I had to do was give it time.

xxMorgan