Obsessed

I have been obsessing lately. Obsessing over my body, over my appearance and over my outward appeal. Obsessing to the point where today when showering I just decided to say “fuck ’em all.” I am who I am, this is what I look like and I am honest in my presentation of myself. I have never lied about what I look like or the type of person I am and the older I get, the more upfront I’ve become. My Tinder profile even gives a warning that if strong, “fire” independent women intimidate you, swiping left would be your best bet. And yet…

Guys still seem to think that I’m joking. I’ve had two guys waste my time in the past few months. One of them was so appealing but I kept thinking that he was too nice. What I realized about a week ago was that it wasn’t his niceness that was bugging me, it was his immaturity and indecision. I don’t like playing games [when I feel like the games are going to lead us into a black hole of nothingness]. I like when people are upfront with me. I like when people can withstand the storm and force of nature that I am. I like people who are not weak and who are not easily discouraged. I expect a high level of communication within relationships, especially when I am being honest and upfront.

The second guy who falls into the category of #WasteHerTime2016 seemed to be able to handle me. But in the words of many a woman, talk is literally the cheapest form of affection/attention that men can give. Talk means nothing. Let me reiterate that for people who may still be confused. Talk without action means absolutely, literally nothing. Nada. Niente. Zip. Zilch. What even? No matter how many times you call me on the phone, no matter how many snapchats and text messages you send me, if you cannot commit to actually hanging out and interacting like a normal human being, then you are out. You have officially wasted my time and it’s time for me to cut the cord.

These odd interactions with boys (because let’s face it, this is the type of behavior that men do not engage in) has brought me to a level of obsession. Particularly with the second one. I was at the gym yesterday and saw him for the third time in a week – I had never seen him in my daily activities before, we just spoke on the phone and snap chatted almost daily – and I flipped the fuck out. I was scared. Scared for him to see me because I had just endured a long and somewhat grueling workout and I didn’t look my best. I thought my thighs looked fat and cottage-cheese like and I felt gross. My friend told me that she was convinced I had body dysmorphic disorder.

“What the fuck are you talking about? You look so muscular and literally nothing jiggles. Where do you feel
something is jiggling?” [I point to my thighs which are sticking out of short shorts and proceed to grab the inner thigh fat] “Here. Literally this whole section of my legs.” She sighs and states again that I have body dysmorphic disorder and I’m acting ridiculous but volunteers to grab our things so that I don’t have to walk by said person. I ended up running by the window anyway because she couldn’t figure out what locker we used.

This morning in the shower I realized the absurdity of it all. Why am I hiding from someone who knows what I look like? Why am I hiding from someone who hasn’t even proved their worth to me? Why am I ashamed of what I look like when I haven’t lied about it at all? What is going on? Where is my confidence and my faith in myself? Where is my self-respect? I contemplated all of these things and realized once again that my self-worth is determined by myself.

My friend shared a great quote from Anna Kendrick with me yesterday. She stated, “Something amazing happened to me when I hit my mid-20’s. I stopped liking guys who didn’t like me back. In fact, I stopped liking guys who were bad people.” Okay, so I put the emphasis on “bad people” but only because that’s the part that my friend emphasized and that’s the part that I need to emphasize for myself and for anyone else reading this. Bad people are people who waste your time (not just lead you on, these are separate things in my opinion) and they’re people who make you question how beautiful and valuable you are. They’re also people who make you feel like the whole of your worth lies within how jiggly (or not jiggly) your thighs are.

Self love, respect and worth are things that only we can give ourselves. No one can make you believe that you are valuable except yourself. They can tell you how gorgeous and intelligent and worth it you are but if you don’t believe it then their words will fall flat. That being said, having friends who tell you all of these things and mean them is a necessity in life, in my opinion. They are the keepers. They are the ones that will truly hold you down. It’s nice to see yourself the way the world and those close to you see you. I believe that’s key for self-confidence.

This morning I realized that I need to stop obsessing over how people who don’t matter and who probably will not ever matter to me see me. I need to continue living my bright, beautiful, confident life. I need to stop accepting “bad people” into my karmic circle and I need to remember to cut people lose as soon as I realize they’re wasting my time. The only thing I should be obsessing over right now is my school work, my wonderful friends and mother and how amazing I am.

xx Morgan

Getting Back on Track

How many of you out there are tracking what you’re eating? It’s a scary process because we can’t eat “perfectly” 24/7 and sometimes it seems like we’re eating well when really we’re not. I started tracking again this summer and it went really well for me. It pushed me to work out more, to be okay with some of my food choices that weren’t spectacular and to face the fact that I’m not perfect. It also gave me a chance to see my progress on a screen before I could see it in a mirror.

It takes three days to fall out of shape and a full week to get back in shape.

When I was at Northwestern this summer I was in a new environment surrounded by people who didn’t know me and food that was “foreign” in the sense that it wasn’t the variety of goodness that I was used to. I was living under strict circumstances: I couldn’t drink, working out was the only way I felt I had control over my life and tracking food and running on a half-marathon plan helped me manage my stress levels. I was in this controlled environment that allowed me to excel.

Being back in Santa Barbara, I’m realizing that I was able to let my tracking slip a lot faster than I expected. Tracking is hard work. It requires total and complete honesty with oneself and definitely relies on self-accountability. If you don’t track then you can’t see exactly what you’re putting into your mouth and therefore you don’t have to be outwardly accountable for the changes going through your body. I thought my hiatus from Lose It! was going to be a week-long affair and yet it’s turned into a month-long affair.

I kept telling myself that I was going to track and then I didn’t, until this weekend when I realized that I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy in this game of fitness. If I sense changes in my body that aren’t for the better, the only one who can change them is myself. And so I’ve started tracking again. I have goals that I could have been a month closer to but to which I’m now a month behind on. I realized that without tracking it’s been harder to motivate myself to go to the gym and to go for a run or even stretch my body out in terms of yoga. I can only get stronger if I keep practicing and the way to practice is to do. 

If I want to look (more) banging in a pair of shorts or a cute new dress, I have to do the work both in and out of the kitchen. If I want bragging rights to a seven-mile run then I need to push through the four and five mile runs. I can’t get there in a day but every day brings me closer to my goals, every day is a step in the journey to total body nirvana.

Tracking may not be right for everyone and in the past it certainly wasn’t right for me, but I’ve developed some awareness this summer and I now know that the way to my goals is through Lose It!, good food, plenty of water, an abundance of yoga, solid weight-lifting, long runs and self-discipline. So it’s time to get back on track because the only way to success is by doing.

xx Morgan